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Rip Van Winkle vs Hol Horse
Rip Van Winkle vs Hol Horse is a What If! Deathbattle. It features Rip Van Winkle from Hellsing and Hol Horse from JoJo's Bizzare Adventure. Description Hellsing vs JoJo's Bizarre Adventure! These two sharpshooters may just be pawns in a larger game, but one thing's for sure. Win or lose, they are never gonna miss! Interlude Boomstick: You know, bullets are pretty cool. They can do stuff like blow holes in people, and make loud noises. But they have one, overwhelming weakness that's troubled me for years. ' Wiz: They go straight. And only straight. Well, sometimes slightly downward. '''But these two combatants don't just break the rules... they bend them. Well, bullets, that is. ' Rip Van Winkle, the artificial Nazi vampire with a love for over-the-top musical numbers and a hate for England- '''And Hol Horse, the cowboy and ''fucking pimp ''who uses the stand Emperor to turn his enemies to Swiss cheese! I'm Wizard, and he's Boomstick, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to see who would win- a DeathBattle. Rip Van Winkle Rip Van Winkle was little more than a somewhat ditsy Nazi soldier during World War 2. A pretty nasty way to start out, I'm gonna be honest, but booooy does it get worse. Her career as a soldier ended near the end of the war, when she encountered the immortal vampire and infamous shooter of Nazis, Alucard. That turned out about as well as it usually does. She got a fool made out of herself, and earned an undying grudge against Alucard. ''' Not to mention some terrified respect. Alucard seems to be the only thing in the world that Rip is actually afraid of, given she witnessed his power firsthand. '''Yeah, she seems to greet everything else with kinda a... horrifying giddiness. At least, ever since she became immortal. After Germany's defeat in World War 2, Rip Van Winkle was recruited by the evil organization known only as Millennium. Why do secret, evil organizations always have to have snappy names? HIVE, Hydra, the Court of Owls, the Illuminati-''' Well Boomstick, the Illuminati is called that because they want to open the eyes of every worthy human being! When they bring about the new world order, they'll enlighten everyone and... um... well, actually Boomstick, I have no idea. I can't even prove the Illuminati even exists! '''Riiight. Back to Miss Van Winkle. When she became a vampire, she gained regeneration, superior speed, strength, and durability, and obviously the ability to suck people's blood. But that's not all. Her specialty, like her personal boogeyman Alucard, is with guns. She shoots things. And yeah, she really, really likes shooting things. And shoot things she does, using a musket that fires magic honing bullets that seem to have a mind of their own. And some kinda ammo they are. These babies can travel about ten times as fast as an SR: 71 Blackbird in full dive. ' Given the Blackbird can manage Mach 3 flying regularly, a conservative estimate would put Rip's magic bullets at a clip of over twenty-three ''thousand ''miles an hour. That's faster than a space-shuttle on re-entry. '''And it doesn't stop there. The bullets can fly around in midair with seemingly no limit. ' They turn with perfect precision, so effectively that she's able to shoot down entire squadrons of helicopters or even fighter jets with a single shot and in just a few seconds. 'She doesn't even have to see you to kill you, since her bullets just... steer themselves. ' But don't mistake ridiculous power for invincibility. As a vampire, she has... a lot of weaknesses. 'There's all the basic ones, sunlight, garlic, crosses, wooden stakes... blessed weapons... holy water... ''regular water, ''oh my god, what ''doesn't ''kill them!? ' It gets worse. Rip Van Winkle is actually a very weak vampire, and an artificial one, so she can even be killed by mere ''decapitation or cranial destruction. '''On top of all ''that, ''Rip also uses a... musket? Magic bullets, but a completely normal musket. Which means it's gonna take a while to load, and can only fire one shot at a time. ' And even then, she's got limited ammo. While it's unclear exactly how much she can fire, heavy references to the German story ''Der Freischutz ''imply she might have just ''seven. '' '''Needless to say, we're gonna give her all of them. 'Cause how much fun would just one be? Even if ''she's fully capable of killing her enemies with it. ''Rip Van Winkle: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor. My bullet punishes all without distinction! Hol Horse Hol Horse. Hah. Hol Horse. ''' What's so funny? '''Is that really what Japanese people think Western names sound like? Well, I guess no- Obviously, we have cool names. Like Boomstick! Boomstick, you aren't Western. You were born in New Jersey. That's further West than Japan. ''' Well, in a certain manner of speaking, but- '''And it doesn't change the fact that I have a great, Western name! You were named after a supporting character in the Evil Dead. I- I can't really say anything about that one. But that's not the point! Hol Horse is the 'western' gunslinger with a stupid name and a stupid face. ''' He's a pretty nice guy, by the standards of the crowd he hangs around. '''Hol Horse is a servant of the evil vampire DIO, who also happens to have the lower body of his long-dead rival from 100 years ago and a magic metal man who ''stands ''behind him and punches things, but that ''isn't the point. '' Even though Hol Horse works for DIO, he doesn't seem to be particularly evil, ''and he does have some standards. '''Hol Horse will never punch a woman! He will drop-kick her in the back of the head and take her priceless necklace, but he will ''never ''punch one! It's a... long story. ' Well, let's hope he has no qualms about shooting one, because he's going to have to. What's he going to shoot her with, DIO's money? More likely bullets. Coming from his gun, Emperor. Emperor is the stand that suggests the Emperor tarot card, which represents control over your environment. ' In this case, that control comes with the ability to fire bullets from Emperor that can hone in on targets. While Emperor's range is limited, it seems to be able to fire off multiple bullets in a row rapid-fire, possibly ''unlimited ''bullets. '''And damn are they fast. Emperor's bullets can move faster than the sword of Silver Chariot without its armor, and without saying much more, Silver Chariot is really, ''really ''fast without its armor. ' On top of that, Hol Horse is just a really sturdy guy. Not only is he physically durable, like pretty much everyone in JoJo's, he's also got a down-to-earth, reasonable mind, which is... surprisingly rare in these battles. 'Unfortunately, he's got a few weaknesses too. ' Hol Horse is something of a coward, shying away from fights that he could have otherwise won, and hates to fight without a partner at his side. 'Emperor's bullets lose strength the farther they fly from him, and they can even injure him if he's not careful. ' But besides that, his Stand is extremely effective at assassination at close and medium range, and considering the fact that Emperor is invisible to non-Stand-users, it's great as a sneak attack weapon as well. '''Yeah, yeah, Emperor is great, but is this Horse a one-trick-pony? Let's find out, when we match these two up in a DeathBattle. Hol Horse: Listen, Boingo... I am the nicest man in the world. I have girlfriends everywhere. I might lie to a woman, but I'll never hit them! It doesn't matter how ugly they are! Because I respect women! Obtrusive Ad This deathbattle was sponsored by Cruncyroll, which just casually suckered Stevethebarbarian into watching three parts of JoJo's in like 5 days. Thanks a lot, Crunchyroll. He will never, ever get that time back. Intro Cairo, Egypt 2002 3 years after the deaths of Alucard and Alexander Anderson, and the beginning of the Third World War. ''' '''Millennium is in control of much of Europe. Their army of artificial vampires overwhelms nearly all modern military forces. One exception to this rule is a growing number of seemingly normal humans, using a mysterious force they refer to as "Stands." Cairo seems to be a hotbed for such humans, ruled by a mysterious and enigmatic being known only as DIO. After a failed attempt to kill DIO in 1987, he seems to have a number of these "Stand-users" in his employ. The Fuhrer of Millennium, formerly known as the Major, sends three of his most loyal soldiers, Lieutenant Zorin Blitz, Lieutenant Rip Van Winkle, and the enigmatic Captain to investigate, and, if possible, eliminate DIO. ''' '''DIO learns of this plot and, in retaliation, sends out two of his own most powerful servants, Hol Horse and J. Geil, to kill Rip Van Winkle and Zorin Blitz, respectively. He would deal with the Captain ''personally. '' Hol Horse had obeyed DIO's orders without question, of course. He was terrified of the man, and whatever fate could throw at him couldn't possibly be worse than death at DIO's hands. But regardless of that fact, he was loath to do battle with such a dangerous opponent, completely alone and unprepared. He'd been handed a photograph of Van Winkle and told to- "Be careful. Do not underestimate her. Rip Van Winkle once shot down six British jets from the sky, not just singlehandedly, but in one shot. I trust you not to fail me, Hol Horse." That son of a bitch! Throwing him up against her without any more warning than that! He trudged silently forward, eyeing the crowd, watching carefully for the exaggerated features of his opponent. The streets were nearly empty. In Cairo, at night, they always were. This was when DIO came out to feed. Really, this would just make it easier to find her. And when he did, he was sure he woul- Hol Horse suddenly stiffened up, every hair on his body going on end, as he heard her coming around the bend, instants before he saw her and his suspicious were confirmed. Rip Van Winkle was singing some silly American song from a few years back, twirling her musket as she walked casually, fearlessly through the streets. The Westerner got his breath under control. OK, OK. I know what she looks like, but she doesn't know to look out for me. I'll catch her off guard and blow her to pieces with Emperor. Job done. He sighed to himself as he walked closer, tipping his hat down. It was never that simple. "OH! Hello zere, mein kamerade! ''I have been looking for ze house of DIO, but nobody around here vants to tell me vere I can find it! Could you help me vith zat?" "Oh, well, that won't be a problem, ma'am. See..." He turned, slowly pointing a finger toward the direction DIO's mansion was located. Simultaneously, he was lifting Emperor to point at Rip Van Winkle, knowing she couldn't see the Stand and would probably think his movement was merely a tick. "DIO lives right over THERE!" With three quick jerks of his wrist, Emperor emptied three bullets into Rip Van Winkle's chest, sending her flying backwards to the ground. ''Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit. No way she's dead. They're '''never '''dead, never never never. Gotta make sure she's done for sure! He quick-stepped over to what seemed to be her fallen corpse, aiming Emperor at her head. He stared her down for about a second, before his finger went taught on the trigger. As it did so, her neck suddenly snapped upward as her eyes flipped open. "Vell zat vas rude!" She pointed her musket at Hol Horse, who was himself still pointing Emperor at her, sweating. I knew it. I knew it! They never, never die the first time! DIO, you idiot! You're gonna get me killed! FIGHT! Hol Horse and Rip Van Winkle both fired their respective weapons, Emperor's bullet and the magic load from Rip Van Winkle's musket colliding in midair. Rip's bullet tore through the one from Emperor, ricocheted into the air, giving Hol Horse a moment to realize what was going on. The bullet was turning on its own!? She could do the same thing he could!? Gotta get out of her line of sight! He turned, running for his life and diving behind a building, ignorant to the trajectory of the bullet that was now locking back onto him. Meanwhile, as his vampiric foe began to follow, she mused over a seemingly unanswerable question. What the fuck had he just done!? From her perspective he had just pointed a hand at her, pretended to fire a gun, and then her magic bullet had been knocked off course. This guy obviously had some strange power, she just needed to figure out what it was. Hol Horse turned to look back at the bullet, out of breath. To his horror, it was still behind him, hot on his tail! He dove and rolled, the shot avoiding his head by a hairsbreadth and dropping right into the concrete in front of him. "Phew! That was close!" Before he had a chance to relish this small victory, however, the bullet burst forth from the ground once again, just barely grazing his arm and shoulder. He cried out, inches from the arc of the projectile, before realizing that it was turning and coming for him again! "Emperor!" He turned on his heels aiming at the flash of light, before diving backwards and, firing another shot at the bullet, this one obliterated too, but he noticed as he did so that it slowed down by a fraction, bent out of shape. He was preparing to hit the ground and roll backwards when- WHAM He nailed the small of his back on a fire hydrant he hadn't even realized was there. A fraction of a second later, the bullet blasted through his torso, inches under his heart and hit the fire hydrant with a horrible ringing noise. He staggered to his feet, not prepared to believe that the bullet had finally stopped, until he looked down at the hydrant, water spouting from a single ''bullet hole. Just entry, no exit. The bullets must stop when they take enough damage! Good to know! He gripped the bleeding hole in his chest. It hadn't hit anything vital. Suddenly, his eyes were drawn up to the top of the building he was hiding behind, his attention caught by two glowing red dots. Eyes! '~Menacing~' Hol Horse swung Emperor to his hip, blasting upward into the figure of Rip Van Winkle, who leaped from the roof of the building and fell down onto him, leveling a punch to his chin that deformed the flesh and fractured the bone. ''Dammit, I know I hit her! What the hell is this lady! He swung Emperor upward, pistol-whipping her in the temple, which seemed to stun her enough for him to kick her in the chest, throwing her off. He leaped to his feet, slowed just barely by lost blood, before blasting into her once again, emptying about 10 more shots into her body, head, and extremities. I swear to god, if she gets up-'' She got up. Though it took her a moment, Rip Van Winkle struggled to her feet, the wounds on her body all rapidly disappearing. The last to remain was a hole in the center of her forehead. As it closed, she stared Hol Horse down, before letting her tongue droop from her mouth. She was holding one of Emperor's bullets on it. She spat it out. "Now zere's a good quvestion for you! I could feel zose bullets in me, and zere vas even van on my tongue just now! And yet I don't ''see ''any bullets! Is zat vy ze Major vas so vorried about you? Because you have ze power of an invisible gun? Because if zat's it, you are ''grossly ''unprepared to fight ''me." "Well, hey, we don't have to ''fight! ''Even if ya get past me, DIO will just kill you anyway, so what's the point? C'mon, you can leave right now and I'll let ya off the hook!" The grin that filled Rip Van Winkle's face at this was nothing short of horrific. Ear to ear, the shape of a crescent moon, and made up of dozens of razor-sharp fangs. Hol Horse felt a chill go down his spine. "I don't think your DIO will prove any real threat, at least not to the Captain. Besides, even if I fail, he's nothzing a few hundred megatons of V-1-propelled explosives can't fix!" A look of rare briliance crossed Hol Horse's face as he grinned himself. "Well, I'll give ya one thing- DIO won't kill you!" "And vy is zat?" "Because I'll do it first! Emperor!" As Hol Horse yelled the name of his stand, the ten bullets that were left on the ground after Rip Van Winkle's healing pushed them from her body hurled suddenly upwards, propelled by mysterious force. They obliterated her legs at the knees, before flying into the distance and fading. Even with her inhuman durability, Rip couldn't stand without any muscles in the most critical joints in her legs, and collapsed to the ground, catching herself on her hands and leaping forward, throwing herself at him like a pouncing animal. As she flew at him, he fired three shots, but his panic at seeing her leap at him after suffering her injuries caused all three to go wild as she caught him around the neck, slamming him against a wall. "You missed, cowboy! Vat do you have now?" "W-well... t-the funny b-bit is... that I didn't... miss." Hol Horse twisted his head to the side and out of the way as the three bullets turned back toward Rip Van Winkle, blasting through her skull and into the wall she was holding Hol Horse against. She went limp for a fraction of a second, during which time Hol Horse slammed her chin with a knee, dropping her to the ground, and curb-stomped her after she hit the deck, all in one motion. He then drew Emperor again, as Rip's finger went taught on her musket's trigger and fired, directly into the wall of the building they were right next to. Hol Horse spun around, realizing that the bullet would come from the wall of the building, right back at him. Results Category:What-If? Death Battles